Knots......

...in my stomach. I had been ok for awhile. But its becoming difficult again. I hate you and love you all at once. The good thing is, I still feel a sense of peace in my decision to not let you get to me. To not let you influence my decisions. I can't make you look at life differently. You have to do that yourself. My heart breaks daily for a marriage I thought would always last. It breaks for the want of my best friend. It breaks for my loneliness...from you. I don't know what makes you this way, I only know I don't want any part of it. The bitterness, the grudges, the excuses. As heartbroken as I am, I can't live with someone like you. I compromise what I truly believe life is all about if I do. Maybe there's something here I'm not seeing, but I know I pray to see it...everyday. For God to show me what I need to see. To open my heart to you. But I also pray for you. For God to soften your heart. For Him to open your heart to this marriage and your family. If I'm thinking the wrong way, He will show me. He walks beside me every day, and some days he has to carry me. And I pray to become less selfish, more giving, more FOR- giving. I pray for the future of my girls and my marriage and the loneliness of others. I pray to understand why your mind works the way it does. I miss you. I'm frustrated and angry with you. Somedays I'm overly disgusted by you. Somewhere in there is that spark for you that was there 20 years ago. If I could make this work I would, but I can't. It's in God's hands now. Just know that thru all this anger and frustration, I love you. As Chad Kroeger says...I love you, I've loved you all along, I miss you, been far away for far too long. I don't know if you'll ever read this but somewhere, somehow, I hope your heart knows.

Changes

It's odd, really. A few weeks ago I blogged about how terrified i was to lose you. Now, I'm not so sure. I mean, the way things go with me i could change again in a second. I hope not. It's easier this way. The more time passes, the more I'm hit with the reality of YOU. YOU. Who can be selfish and unforgiving and hateful. YOU. Who claimed my oldest as your own, and now blames her for the bad relationship with your 17 yo. YOU. Who will take the opportunity to place blame anywhere but yourself unless there's no way out. YOU. Who is capable of implying that our oldest is basically devil's spawn. YOU. Who never really treated her fairly, yet made sure to throw up in her face ALL you've done for her. You've never wanted to understand how, as a child, she had to face the divorce of her father and me and gain a whole new family...which was a rude awakening to both of us. She needed a dad...and out of a father and a step father, she had NONE. How can it be so easy to not make peace. To NOT love. To disown a daughter who needs a dad. I am speechless at the thought of you. You disgust me. I say life's too short, you think I'm an idiot. No. YOU. You're the idiot. I hate to feel this way. I hate to feel the contempt and disgust that I feel and i will pray for it to get better. I pray for God to open up your heart to your daughter and accept responsibilty for your own despicable actions. I'm not perfect. But i try and I pray and i thank the good Lord every day for my 3 beautiful daughters. You need a kick in the hiney. YOU. I pray for.....

Let me tell you that Ive decided to make this blog for you. Not that you'll ever read it, but I guess it helps me feel more like I'm talking to YOU;and I can pretend that you're listening. It's been awhile since that first post. Not much has changed where we're concerned. I have to tell you I'm terrified. We've been married almost 20 years, and I don't know how to let you go. I don't want to HAVE to let you go. I'm also angry. I hate to admit that, but its true. Why can't you answer me truthfully? Either we have a chance or we don't. Its a damn easy question. Whether its a minute chance or not, that's still a chance. Right now, hope is all I have. Its all I've had for these last few horribly messy years. I've lost my mom, had(and still have) financial problems, lost a car, losing a house, and now I'm losing you. You're my best friend. I love you with all my heart and soul. You felt the same way at one point. Where did it go? I've learned so much recently. I've learned to not blame others, but to work on myself. I've learned that I haven't been a very supportive partner, and I need to change that. I've learned that no matter how ticked you get, I'll always romanticize things. Its who I am. I hope you can live with that. My life isn't a whole heck of a lot without you there. My family is you. Its the girls. Its US all together. Its ALL I need. I'd love to write more. Work calls. I'll be back.

For you....

First, let me say that it truly SUCKS to have a drema that you're in a kitchen somewhere with the love of your life, being affectionate, and wake up to find out that that person is farther away from you than a bikini in Siberia and has been for way too long...and before I go on one of my rolls that I'm so famous for, let me tell you that I don't care if you or anyone else you know finds this laughable because I won't apologize for being unable to keep my emotions from almost everyone within 30 miles of me. And i don't care that there are times that i hate how you are almost as many times as how i absolutely adore how you are. I still have to tell you that my soul hurts to be away from where it belongs and my heart struggles to beat every day and yet it smiles to know you are on this earth. And i have to tell you that I wonder if i can ever hear the word Nashville wothout wanting to go plant myself in Iris's dear arms and cry for days until the whole world is dehydrated from my tears.
And I don't think i can ever make a coffee walk through Alligator Bayou without you there to ask me what park we're going to today and can we make an evening run to Downtown Disney so you can hit the sports store and grab an empanada at Bongo's. And its damn impossible for me to do the Food and Wine Festival without you because there would be no one to tell me its ok to get a bellini while you run and grab some sushi with a snack credit. And i could never stand and wait on you and Chelsea to get off Tower of Terror because I'd know you weren't really on it and I'd have to leave Disney for good.
I'd have no one to tell me to get the damn bag off my head in the rain because he's truly embarrassed to be seen with me and I know it. And who would hold my hand in the car on the way to Clay Terrace? I have to tell you because I am who I am that I dream of Nashville and Disney World and Disneyland and taking the moddowail to Universal with you and B and the girls...because that is what I feel will keep the earth on its axis, and Disney in good working order, and Bob in cigarettes and high priced antiques and sarcastic comment