Knots......

...in my stomach. I had been ok for awhile. But its becoming difficult again. I hate you and love you all at once. The good thing is, I still feel a sense of peace in my decision to not let you get to me. To not let you influence my decisions. I can't make you look at life differently. You have to do that yourself. My heart breaks daily for a marriage I thought would always last. It breaks for the want of my best friend. It breaks for my loneliness...from you. I don't know what makes you this way, I only know I don't want any part of it. The bitterness, the grudges, the excuses. As heartbroken as I am, I can't live with someone like you. I compromise what I truly believe life is all about if I do. Maybe there's something here I'm not seeing, but I know I pray to see it...everyday. For God to show me what I need to see. To open my heart to you. But I also pray for you. For God to soften your heart. For Him to open your heart to this marriage and your family. If I'm thinking the wrong way, He will show me. He walks beside me every day, and some days he has to carry me. And I pray to become less selfish, more giving, more FOR- giving. I pray for the future of my girls and my marriage and the loneliness of others. I pray to understand why your mind works the way it does. I miss you. I'm frustrated and angry with you. Somedays I'm overly disgusted by you. Somewhere in there is that spark for you that was there 20 years ago. If I could make this work I would, but I can't. It's in God's hands now. Just know that thru all this anger and frustration, I love you. As Chad Kroeger says...I love you, I've loved you all along, I miss you, been far away for far too long. I don't know if you'll ever read this but somewhere, somehow, I hope your heart knows.

Changes

It's odd, really. A few weeks ago I blogged about how terrified i was to lose you. Now, I'm not so sure. I mean, the way things go with me i could change again in a second. I hope not. It's easier this way. The more time passes, the more I'm hit with the reality of YOU. YOU. Who can be selfish and unforgiving and hateful. YOU. Who claimed my oldest as your own, and now blames her for the bad relationship with your 17 yo. YOU. Who will take the opportunity to place blame anywhere but yourself unless there's no way out. YOU. Who is capable of implying that our oldest is basically devil's spawn. YOU. Who never really treated her fairly, yet made sure to throw up in her face ALL you've done for her. You've never wanted to understand how, as a child, she had to face the divorce of her father and me and gain a whole new family...which was a rude awakening to both of us. She needed a dad...and out of a father and a step father, she had NONE. How can it be so easy to not make peace. To NOT love. To disown a daughter who needs a dad. I am speechless at the thought of you. You disgust me. I say life's too short, you think I'm an idiot. No. YOU. You're the idiot. I hate to feel this way. I hate to feel the contempt and disgust that I feel and i will pray for it to get better. I pray for God to open up your heart to your daughter and accept responsibilty for your own despicable actions. I'm not perfect. But i try and I pray and i thank the good Lord every day for my 3 beautiful daughters. You need a kick in the hiney. YOU. I pray for.....