Knots......

...in my stomach. I had been ok for awhile. But its becoming difficult again. I hate you and love you all at once. The good thing is, I still feel a sense of peace in my decision to not let you get to me. To not let you influence my decisions. I can't make you look at life differently. You have to do that yourself. My heart breaks daily for a marriage I thought would always last. It breaks for the want of my best friend. It breaks for my loneliness...from you. I don't know what makes you this way, I only know I don't want any part of it. The bitterness, the grudges, the excuses. As heartbroken as I am, I can't live with someone like you. I compromise what I truly believe life is all about if I do. Maybe there's something here I'm not seeing, but I know I pray to see it...everyday. For God to show me what I need to see. To open my heart to you. But I also pray for you. For God to soften your heart. For Him to open your heart to this marriage and your family. If I'm thinking the wrong way, He will show me. He walks beside me every day, and some days he has to carry me. And I pray to become less selfish, more giving, more FOR- giving. I pray for the future of my girls and my marriage and the loneliness of others. I pray to understand why your mind works the way it does. I miss you. I'm frustrated and angry with you. Somedays I'm overly disgusted by you. Somewhere in there is that spark for you that was there 20 years ago. If I could make this work I would, but I can't. It's in God's hands now. Just know that thru all this anger and frustration, I love you. As Chad Kroeger says...I love you, I've loved you all along, I miss you, been far away for far too long. I don't know if you'll ever read this but somewhere, somehow, I hope your heart knows.