Changes

It's odd, really. A few weeks ago I blogged about how terrified i was to lose you. Now, I'm not so sure. I mean, the way things go with me i could change again in a second. I hope not. It's easier this way. The more time passes, the more I'm hit with the reality of YOU. YOU. Who can be selfish and unforgiving and hateful. YOU. Who claimed my oldest as your own, and now blames her for the bad relationship with your 17 yo. YOU. Who will take the opportunity to place blame anywhere but yourself unless there's no way out. YOU. Who is capable of implying that our oldest is basically devil's spawn. YOU. Who never really treated her fairly, yet made sure to throw up in her face ALL you've done for her. You've never wanted to understand how, as a child, she had to face the divorce of her father and me and gain a whole new family...which was a rude awakening to both of us. She needed a dad...and out of a father and a step father, she had NONE. How can it be so easy to not make peace. To NOT love. To disown a daughter who needs a dad. I am speechless at the thought of you. You disgust me. I say life's too short, you think I'm an idiot. No. YOU. You're the idiot. I hate to feel this way. I hate to feel the contempt and disgust that I feel and i will pray for it to get better. I pray for God to open up your heart to your daughter and accept responsibilty for your own despicable actions. I'm not perfect. But i try and I pray and i thank the good Lord every day for my 3 beautiful daughters. You need a kick in the hiney. YOU. I pray for.....

Let me tell you that Ive decided to make this blog for you. Not that you'll ever read it, but I guess it helps me feel more like I'm talking to YOU;and I can pretend that you're listening. It's been awhile since that first post. Not much has changed where we're concerned. I have to tell you I'm terrified. We've been married almost 20 years, and I don't know how to let you go. I don't want to HAVE to let you go. I'm also angry. I hate to admit that, but its true. Why can't you answer me truthfully? Either we have a chance or we don't. Its a damn easy question. Whether its a minute chance or not, that's still a chance. Right now, hope is all I have. Its all I've had for these last few horribly messy years. I've lost my mom, had(and still have) financial problems, lost a car, losing a house, and now I'm losing you. You're my best friend. I love you with all my heart and soul. You felt the same way at one point. Where did it go? I've learned so much recently. I've learned to not blame others, but to work on myself. I've learned that I haven't been a very supportive partner, and I need to change that. I've learned that no matter how ticked you get, I'll always romanticize things. Its who I am. I hope you can live with that. My life isn't a whole heck of a lot without you there. My family is you. Its the girls. Its US all together. Its ALL I need. I'd love to write more. Work calls. I'll be back.